Motherhood.

As I sit here on the couch with the sun shining on me and my baby in his room napping, I am reminded again of God's faithfulness to me. I am exhausted, I have bags under my eyes, my house is a wreck, and I think of all the responsibilities I have. Some days I feel I have it all together, other days I feel like this. 

On days that I do feel like this I consistently see how selfish I can be, motherhood easily points that out to me a lot. If you know Josh and I well, you probably have heard that Jude wasn't planned to be born this soon. Actually he was not planned to be born for another couple years. Josh and I wanted to wait until after we finished MTC to have any children. But you know as well as I, we cannot put our hopes and trusts into our own plans, we can only put our trust the Lord and His plan for our life.

Because Jude wasn't planned, I find a lot of my selfish desires trying to make their way to the surface. Sometimes I feel like I missed out or am missing out on important things, but I realize they are only selfish. Things that I can go without in the big picture because they don't have any meaning other than for my own personal enjoyment. Motherhood has pointed out things in my life I wish I never had to deal with. See, I don't know if it is just me...but I like being selfish, I like when it is all about me, it makes me feel good! But it is so totally wrong. It is my flesh who wants to be selfish. When I accepted Jesus as my personal savior I gave up that to serve Him. It is the old flesh who just wants me to be a selfish, self-centered, man-pleasing, liar who has no reason to serve anyone other than itself. Instead I serve Jesus, who gave me a new flesh. One that serves others, who lays down its pride and selfishness, who looks to Jesus for strength and one that is satisfied through Him. 

On days like today, when I feel tired, when I remember that if I had the plan my way I would not have this huge responsibility, when I remember that it would just be Josh and I; I need to remember it is not about me. It is not about my personal happiness. It is not about my life. It is however, about raising this boy up in the knowledge of truth. To raise him in such a way that is pleasing to my Father. To make disciples, starting with my children. To be thankful I have such a son who brings laughter, joy and growth to my life. Who stretches me more than I have ever been stretched. This is a challenge that I have to trust into the hands of my gracious Father. It is intimidating knowing that Jude will be here in our lives forever. It is intimidating that I will raise him past the baby years. But it is ever wonderful to know that the Lord showed us that this is the best time to start raising him, and He will be beside us every step of the way. He blessed us so richly by giving him to us; it is our job to see that through.

There are so many things that I can go on about, as these are things that I have been learning. I normally wouldn’t write a post that seems so personal to me, but I know our Father can use times like this for encouragement to our brothers and sisters around us. Jude has been such a wonderful gift to Josh and I; we love having him in our family and learning as he teaches us. I pray that maybe his little life has taught you too.

Photo Credit: Bethel Ann Photography

Felicia